Yes I know it's been a while. You see, when things get hard I have been known to isolate myself. Shut myself off from the world until the problem passes. Which is exactly what I have done these pasts months. I have had nothing I really wanted to write about. Plenty went on but the thought of penning any of it made me shudder.
But its time to get real. Because while its been a hard few months, I can see purpose in what I have been going through.
The messy truth is...I have joined celebrate recovery at my church. Not for the known reasons allot of people join but for the simple truth of a word called "codependent." You see when you stop going at a speed of "crazy busy" and you suddenly get halted by say moving to Alaska you find yourself surrounded by allot of quietness. And for me God used this time to take off the scales from my eyes. I had been lying to myself regarding being truly free as God desires for me to be.
Different area's of my life I had been living in bondage all while telling myself I am free. Bondage to insecurity, people pleasing, wanting life to be perfect, not wanting to speak up for my beliefs for fear of rejection, not being good enough. A little more of what "Codependency" looks like for me is... I grew up with an alcoholic father, there was drug abuse in our home and physical, emotional and verbal abuse and a few more of the characteristics that I have been able identify with so far are, perfectionism, withdrawal, being unable to say "no," self-condemnation, intense hurt, anger and guilt and shame.
And you know what? I am realizing through going through celebrate recovery that I truly desire to just be me. I don't have life figured out. And I never will. I realize I am NOT God. I will never be perfect. I will do dumb things. Say dumb things. make dumb mistakes. It's okay. As a friend has told me I just need to keep my side of the street clean. But if its get dirty make amends and move on. I also will do great things, say great things, make good decisions. I have to except me just as God does. I am learning to place boundaries in my life. Its not easy. Sometimes I am at a loss at what the boundary should be. I am learning to say "so long" to my insecurities, I am learning I am good enough. The short of it is, I am a work in progress, striving to be Christ-like but realizing I am not Christ.
Here are lyrics to a song by Francesca Battistelli and the song is titled "Free to be me." And I find myself singing this at the top of my lungs today!
At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt
And you’re free to be you
Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
even though
I've got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
