GET READY WITH ME!!! DISCLAIMER: I"M NOT A PROFESSIONAL! HAHA!

GET READY WITH ME!!! DISCLAIMER: I"M NOT A PROFESSIONAL! HAHA!

FEAR AKA "False Evidence Appearing Real", Panic Attacks & Anxiety

Panic attacks, anxiety and FEAR. These have become my companions since last December. A few days into December of last year I woke up from sleeping soundly to having a full on panic attack around 2am. I have struggled with small heart racing panic attacks since I was a child and have always just concentrated on my breathing and they usually went away anywhere from 10 seconds to maybe a minute. This one was different. My heart was racing like I had just been running for my life. I do not remember the dream or why I suddenly woke up like this. All I know is it just kept getting worse and worse. I went to our bathroom and laid down on the floor trying to concentrate on my breathing. I could not get it under control. I started calling out for Bob, trying not to startle him out of his sleep, but enough to wake him up. At this point I was afraid I was having a heart attack and seriously going to die. I know that sounds dramatic, but that's where I was at. Bob came in and laid down next to me and started praying over me. This lasted about 20 minutes. The worst part was I felt trapped in my own mind. And death and having a heart attack just kept playing over and over in my mind and I could not escape it. After a total of around a half an hour my heart rate slowed and went back to normal. Thus began my fear of sleep, panic attacks and having anxiety regarding it. For the past 6 months I have been afraid to be alone in my own head at times.

I write about this today because I have had a breakthrough. And I have found that allot of people struggle with this. It had been shocking to me that this happens more than I ever knew. While I am thankful to not be alone, it has brought on such a compassion that anyone goes through this. Once I found out that some close friends struggled with it, it did take some of the fear away. So bringing it into the light has helped.

My breakthrough starts with church this past weekend. At the end of service a guest pastor did a salvation call to the altar. Then he said something along the lines of maybe God is calling you forward for something else, search you heart to what God is saying. And as I was searching my heart I felt like I needed to go up and lay down my fear and anxiety. But then doubt came and uncertainty came. Then I looked at the words on the screen regarding the song we were singing and the word fear was staring back at me. I knew right then I needed to go forward. So I did. I knelt down and poured my heart out to God. I repeated the verse "For God has NOT given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" 2 Timothy 1:7. I asked for forgiveness because I know worry is a sin. When it was done I knew I had left everything at the altar.

Fast forward to the next night. I went to sleep. I woke up somewhere in the middle of the night to the feeling of fear that I might have a panic attack. But immediately I quoted scripture out loud and clung to my faith that God was with me and what I had just experienced at the alter and prayed. And I fell back to sleep. Then the next morning I awoke and felt like I had been in a battle. And I felt God say, yes you have. But this time it was different, you picked up your sword of the spirit and shield of faith and fought. And at that moment Ephesians 6:14-18 ^"14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. ¹⁵ For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.¹⁶ In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.¹⁷ Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.¹⁸ Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.^"
came alive to me. Which is crazy because I pray this scripture over my boys every night.  But really hadn't made sure I was prepared for battle.

So then I started to think about each piece of battle armor God has given me.

I picked up my Sword of the spirit. Which is probably the only armor I have been using lately. While scripture is a powerful tool, God wouldn't give us the rest if it didn't go hand in hand.

The Shield of faith I believe I had set down. Not sure when. I had faith that God would meet me in the easy times but not in the hard times. I was believing lies. 1 John 5:4 "For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith."

Did I have my helmet of salvation on? Yes. I surrendered my life to God 10 years ago this summer. I am confident in my salvation. 1 Thessalonians 5:8 ^"But let us who live in the light be clearheaded, protected by the armor of faith and love, and wearing as our helmet the confidence of our salvation."

Did I have my breastplate of righteous on?
Well to me this means being right with God. And I believe that being obedient to God on Sunday was getting right with God. And maybe up until now I have been trying to get through these panic attacks trying to do it on my own. Which I guess would be self-righteousness. Yikes! I know I cannot achieve righteousness on my own and that righteousness is a gift from God. Philippians 3:9

^"and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in^[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith."

Moving on to the belt of truth. Putting on the belt of truth is putting on the word of God. To me its reading my Bible, going to church, listening to sermons online, listening to worship music. When I really took a honest look at it I wasn't happy with what I saw. So, I have my belt on but its loose and I need to tighten it up. The Bible is my foundation but I need and want to spend more time in it.

Then I went to shoes of peace. Fear and anxiety and worry has stolen my peace. But not any longer. And the last part of the battle armor is to pray in the spirit. Which is a very important part of the armor. I chose to believe Philippians 4:6-7 ^"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."


The last 3 nights I have had the best sleep that I have had in a very long time. But each night I have thought to myself "if the battle comes tonight, I am ready." Maybe this particular battle is over (I hope so) but I know others will come. I had a breakthrough but I know the battle rages on until we get to be with Jesus.  All I know is that I can say "I KNOW GOD....and not just know of God" because of the journey I am on and I will hold on to this in each and every battle and not give up in defeat. I have learned I have to "Put on" my armor everyday.  

Life is about the journey, not the destination.

I sit here today in a hotel in Fargo, ND. It's -21 outside with a wind chill of -48. I have never felt this kind of cold. The cold here is different. I suppose it's because of the wind. It burns your face. It's terrible. But, I hear summer here is great :/...Countdown is on...6 months to go.

So how does a California girl end up in Fargo ND. I feel as if I have been on a cold state tour.  When we first decided to leave California we moved to Michigan. Bob's home state. We lasted 2 months. Jobs were scarce. We had a 2 1/2 year old and I was 8 months pregnant. So we decided to follow my brother to Minnesota. We lived there for close to 10 years. We found friends, a wonderful church that we gave our lives to Christ in and just plain loved Minnesota. But towards the end we felt God calling us elsewhere. I for one didn't want to move. But I had this peace in my heart leading me. So we packed up and moved to Alaska.

Alaska was amazing, hard, uncomfortable, beautiful, peaceful, and slower paced. I grew so much in such a little amount of time. God used this time to work on the depths of my soul. I learned that I need to put God first in everything. I think one of my biggest takeaways was that my happiness does not depend on others. I learned that I indeed am a sinner needing the grace and forgiveness from God. I came to Alaska with allot of baggage from my childhood. I left more free than I have ever felt.

In Alaska I felt myself slow down so much that I could actually see, feel and hear my children. I realized that Ethan was struggling so much in school that he was becoming bitter and his light-heartedness in life was fading. In August I decided to home school Ethan. During this process I have found out that he is dyslexic. Which is a huge part of his frustrations at school.  So I have taken this year to homeschool him and learn how to teach him and help him learn. The change I have seen in Ethan is amazing. He has gotten his pep back in his step. He is really smart he just needs more creative ways to learn and he does not fit in "The box." I am learning this is ok. I am so glad that God slowed me down enough to see that his needs are different than Bradley's. I gave Bradley the option to be homeschooled but he graciously declined. He loves going to school.

So what will Fargo, ND bring? Well, to be honest I have no idea. I thought I knew what God was up to moving us to Alaska but I was way off. God had so much more than I could have dreamt up. Do we have idea's and goals for Fargo? Yes. We sold 50% of our furniture and stuff right before we moved and are moving into an apartment here in West Fargo. We are going from 2600 sq. feet to 1200 sq. feet. The main reason we are doing this is it's time to get the rest of our debt paid off. I want total freedom. Time to stop dragging our feet and making stupid mistakes with our finances and get it done. So we have committed to living smaller to get this done. And that's it. Bob and I and our boys are in prayer for what God has for us here. We are open to His plan.

To be continued...

Backpacking through Alaska

 

This past weekend we got back from a 3 day backpacking trip through Crow Pass. What is Crow Pass you ask? A 25 mile trek that takes you from Girdwood, through the Chugach Range to Eagle River Nature Center.

This was my first backpacking trip ever. Like ever. I have been hiking this summer rather regularly but had never gone more than 6 miles in a day and for sure with no more than 1 lb or 2 of water in my daypack.

 So I started this journey with 25 lbs on my back. Seemed light compared to Bob's 45 lbs, or so I thought at the beginning. Bradley carried 22 lbs and Ethan a measly 7 lbs.

 

There was 11 of us total including Boaz with his cute little backpack. It was a great group to go with!

 

 

 We started out around noon on Thursday in Girdwood and made our way up a very intense 5 miles of elevation gain. I had been told this would be the hardest part of the trip. While is was very hard, other parts were harder for me.

 

 

So as we past Raven's glacier, which was breathtaking, we started to descend and the terrain got somewhat dicey. My tired ankles and feet did not like the loose bolder fields. And I managed to slip and fall a few times.

 

 

 

And now to get to my top most terrifying part of the trip. So we came to a couple of vertical snow fields that we had to cross. And mind you I was wearing tennis shoes. The first crossing was slow but ok. I made it across and didn't think much of it. Then we came to a second snow field crossing. This one was on a much steeper incline of the mountain and at the bottom, if you happened to fall or slide all the way down, was jagged rocks. So I am second to last to cross of our 10 person group. I start to cross and slip right away. I dig my hands in the snow and stand back up. I take 10 more steps in probably what seemed like 10 minutes and realize I don't think I can do this. I slip again. I stay clinging to the snow and my hands are freezing and butt is freezing and my legs shaking. I am probably a 1/3 of the way across. Bob is patiently waiting behind me having little to no difficulty with the snow bank but not in a position where he can help me and everyone else seems to be across. So Pastor Rod ends up coming back and gets me across but not without me slipping and sliding a few more times. It was terrifying!

 

 

 

We then hike for a couple more miles and set up camp in a beautiful location. And for entertainment that night we have a black bear up the side of the mountain eating berries. Very fun to watch (at a distance).

The next day felt as if I was in the movie hunger games. It was a 7 mile hike day. It started off fine. And then we got to the plants that were as tall as some of our shoulders. And preceded to hike through them for 3 or more miles. These plants consisted of Devils Club, Nettles (ouch), and Cow Parsnip (double ouch). But aside from that it was a beautiful part of our hike.

 

And then we got to the forest looking area thinking sweet we are out of the tall stinging plants and to find it was attack of biting flies through the forest. No kidding. Millions of flies for miles of hiking. You could not stop. If you did they attacked you even worse.

 

The next part was to ford the river. Dun Dun Duuuun! We had to chain link our arms together to cross a 100 ft across river that was water from the glacier. Coldest water I have ever been in. We could actually see the glacier it was coming from. Our feet went numb halfway across. But we made it.

 

We ended up camping at a one of the most beautiful places I have ever camped. And we had so much fun sitting around the campfire and just enjoyed the beautiful views and each other. The pictures do not do it justice.

 

 

The third day was our final day and we needed to hike 12 miles to finish our trip. The first six miles were sort of an obstacle coarse with ladders, bridges, ropes and so forth. The last 3 miles seemed to go on forever but our ending time was 5 hours to hike 12 miles which I was proud of. My legs were sore, my feet were sore, my hips were sore, my shoulders were sore but it was still the most beautiful hike I have ever been on.

 

To sum it up the highlights were having tons of fun with our group, I was truly blessed to get to know everyone at a deeper level, spending quality time with my husband and kids, getting to see several waterfalls, glaciers, hiking through wildflowers and plants taller than us at times, walking across streams, scary vertical snow crossings (not necessarily a highlight but a sense of accomplishment for getting across and not falling all the way down), dangerous glacier ford river crossing, sprinkled with a few bears and a moose.

All in all this was an amazing backpacking trip that I would love to do again (not this year). My two boys were rock stars! They did amazing! I loved having no phone and just being unplugged.

 

 

 

 

In the middle of my uncomfortable

As I sit here pondering this past year I find myself thinking how "Uncomfortable" the year has been. By moving to Alaska I jumped right out of my "comfortable box." With two feet, eyes opened wide. I was ready, or so I thought.

My journal entry on June 20th 2012 "If you are really going to be committed to God, you might have to be a few places that aren't that comfortable for you." Really? I wrote that? Last June? Yep...I did. Hmmmm.... if I had only known how true this would come to be.

So what are some of the uncomfortable things I have been through this past year? One would think moving to Alaska would be the top one. But really moving to Alaska didn't feel uncomfortable. It felt right. It felt peaceful. But notice I said "moving here" didn't feel uncomfortable. Once we were planted here the uncomfortable started. 

Joining celebrate recovery was uncomfortable. Showing up the first time not knowing what the meaning of "codependent" was uncomfortable. And I was filled with fear. Fear of the unknown. Which is so weird because I didn't have fear of moving 2500+ miles away from the place we had called home for the past 10 years. The funny thing is I showed up to a meeting for codependents because someone I barely knew from church told me that I should go to this meeting. Little did I know me showing up was a codependent thing to do. *sigh* Can we say people pleaser? And the next six months would bring lots of uncomfortable to my life. Going through everything and getting out of denial was hard. I wanted to quit lots of times. This was so out of my box.

Another thing was I was asked to be in our Christmas Eve service play. My first thought was "why are they asking me? I am so not good enough for this." But I found that the more I thought about this the more I really wanted to do this. It sounded fun. So I said yes. Little did I know it would be so uncomfortable and hard. Over the next 2 months I would daily vacillate between thinking I can do this it's going to be great to, what am I doing? Why did I say yes? I can't do this. The day of the play I was so sick to my stomach. I wanted to quit before it started so badly. But that day about 15 minutes before I had to be on stage I finally came to the end of myself and turned it all over to God. I realized that this truly wasn't about me it was about the birth of Jesus and telling that story through the play. And the play went great. I didn't mess up. I got out of my box.

A few weeks ago I was asked to do a June announcements video for our church. Now this didn't sound hard. How hard can it be to read from a teleprompter and announce the events that will be happening at church. Apparently so hard that it took me 3 hours to get it right. I never realized how fast I talk until I was told over... and over... and over.... to slow down. I found out that I have two ways of doing it...very animated and fast or so slow that I would be so in my head that I didn't use much emotion. Needless to say this was VERY uncomfortable for me and again halfway through I wanted to quit. I finally got to the end of Hillary and cried out to God for help (in my head of course, I didn't want to scare the camera guy Ross) So long story short, I made it though but it was soooo out of my box.

And finally my last example is, a week ago I hiked Mt. Baldy with Bob and our boys. While they practically ran up the hill I found myself feeling like I was going to die. Seriously. It's not a long hike but its up the side of the mountain all the way to the top. And it was muddy. And still had snow on parts of it. I am not going to be able to express to you enough how hard it was for me. I wanted to quit so bad. But two thoughts kept going through my head. One, the boys saw how extremely difficult it was for me and I didn't want to show them it's okay to quit. Two, my pride was on the line and I wanted to say I made it to the top. So...drumroll please..... I did make it to the top. Bob was so patient with me. I stopped so many times and sat in the mud that I lost count. I stopped caring at one point how muddy I was and that my behind looked like I had a very bad accident and just trudged though it. This was so out of my box.

Sometimes we have to do things that are uncomfortable, in order to get to where we need to be.

I realize that sometimes God calls me to do things I don't want to do, or things that I feel will make me look like a fool, or my pride will suffer. But in order for me to be in God's will I will have to do the uncomfortable thing at times.  Does it hurt? At times yes. Will I look like a fool? Probably. But it seems like there are so many times in life where I find that I am not where I should be or could be because I wasn't willing to do that uncomfortable thing God asked me to do a while ago. I am not sure when I decided following God's plan for my life = a comfortable life. In all these hard moments I exposed myself. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. And I learned to trust, to rely not on myself, but on God.

I have had to step the farthest out of my comfort zone this past year, but I can honestly say these are the times in which I’ve grown the most and grown closer to God in the process.